I am one to constantly have a grocery list of projects to do around the house and with the animals. Some people as of late have been making some comments about my activity level and I really started to ponder this. I already know I am a little cray-cray when it comes to adding things onto my plate or in my life. Everything is always “I’m fine. I got this”. I know some of you can relate to this! So, do I create my own chaos? What if I tried to press pause for a day. Would I be okay with this?
I definitely create my own chaos and, yes, this reared its ugly head with Mack! I noticed lately that Mack was getting more anxious when I went to put my foot in the stirrup. He eventually started bucking as soon as I sat in the saddle. (good thing I can still hang on!) In all seriousness, I had to take a step back and figure out what was causing this change in him. We were so in tune with each other just a couple of weeks ago. What changed? My heart was shattered as our bond is so very special to me and I felt like I had failed him.
Well CRAP! I can answer this with certainty that I did create the change between Mack and I. So this past weekend I decided to do more groundwork through connection and have begun noticing Mack becoming more relaxed and comfortable with these smaller steps again. (groundwork for horses is like stretching for an athlete, don’t do it and something is bound to go wrong). Low and behold, Mack is starting to reconnect with me and I am starting to relax. I am thankful for all the trainers that I follow and all the support I have. It has given me the ability to recognize that I am the issue, not Mack. He clearly needs more time to breath and think. He needs me to allow him that space and to lessen the amount of anxiety and chaos. He is asking and telling me the only way he knows how to communicate and I am listening!
This speaks volumes of how my days are filled. I feel like I always have a million things to take on and I run through my tasks list without thoughts or feelings most of the time. Plus, I have a newly potty-trained, animated and wild three year old. Life is very crazy at times and I rarely slow down and when I finally do, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for relaxing. (or I have a three year old climbing all over me for attention, but that is for another post.) I envy the people who can sit, take time for themselves and be in the present. When I do this I am not sure it’s considered relaxing because in my head I am running through the things I should be doing. Then I am trying to convince myself why it is okay for me to sit for a little while. UGH! This is not relaxing and it ends up giving me more anxiety, frustration, anger… Oh the spiral it creates! Yet, why do I feel this way? As long as my animals are fed, my son is taken care and my husband is happy and healthy why do I feel such an urge to keep pushing? It’s absolutely insane that I feel at my best when I am in the midst of chaos and at my worst when everything is still. These feelings need to change, especially for my health. I need to somehow insure daily that I am taking moments to sit and lessen the chaos in my life. I need to be okay when the waves subside and the waters are calm.
I am excited to try and make it a weekly practice to slow down, take a breath and be okay sitting with my teachers, my herd. I am set on working on this for however long this takes. I am not going to put a time limit on this as I truly believe this will be a life long lesson for myself. Tomorrow I am going to take a moment in the day to just be with Mack and my other animals out in pasture with no expectations. Might grab a good book, some sunscreen and a refreshing beverage. Cheers!
Do you have chaos in your life? Do you notice you create more than needed? Do you thrive on it like I seem to do and are lost without it? Or are you someone I would envy?